Bruce Mediation Group Ready for
The Last Waltz!
In what appears to be
a sudden breakthrough in the Saga of The Dancing Bruce, the Town
of Carrboro believes that a "win-win" agreement is just
around the corner. At The Carrboro News, we're holding our fingers
crossed in hopes that this means that The Bruceway and The Statue
of the Dancing Bruce are well on the way to becoming reality, but
our common sense tells us otherwise.
Sources close to the
source tell us that a cooling off period and a cease fire were agreed
upon by all sides of the controversy. For his cooling down period,
Nathan expects to head down to sunny Jamaica and spend some time
at "Sunsplash", the annual Reggae Dancefest renowned for
it's free-form dance frenzies. The hopes are that upon his return,
Nathan will realize that a single dancing Weaver Street Market client
is far better than a sea of glistening bodies, gyrating to the imaginary
reggae music in their heads.
Upon his return, Nathan
will meet with Ruffin(they're both just your average guys, so
we can call them by their first name. If you are uncomfortable with
that, please feel free to replace in your head the words Nathan
with Mr. Milian and Ruffin with Mr. Slater- editor), in hopes
of coming to a compromise which Dan Coleman, rookie Town Alderman
serving in his first year, hopes will result in what he calls a
win-win situation.(The Bruceway AND
The Statue of The Bruce?).
Meeting with the two
to help mediate, which our sources say is an extremely volatile
situation, is The Carrboro News' Mohammed
Mustafe(This may be a good time for you to meet all our correspondents
if you haven't yet!), renowned cook and Palestinian Peace Activist
who is well-versed in mediating tense situations. Accompanying Mohammed,
will be former President Jimmy Carter, to help with mediation and
Officer Bob of The Carrboro Police Department to help keep order.
Additionally, Nathan asked to have Hulk Hogan and Sylvester Stallone
in his corner, but Ruffin would not agree to their being included.
Ruffin, in hopes of rattling Nathan, had requested Ann Coulter in
his corner. Nathan, sensing that Ann would be more of detriment
to any liberal cause, acquiesced. Unfortunately, Ms. Coulter was
forced to decline due to a prior engagement.(Sources say she was
the scheduled keynote speaker at Rush Limbaugh's "Just say
No to Viagra" rally.)
So folks, it looks like
help is on the way and before you know it Bruce will be back dancing
in the commons. In recognition of this historic day(and the other
tragic day), The Carrboro News will be sponsoring the annual Bruce
Thomas Freestyle Dance Festival on the Weaver Street Commons. We
are hoping to get the event sanctioned as an official Weaver Street
Event as any agreement allowing the return of Bruce will apply to
Bruce and only Bruce and anyone else dancing at a non-sanctioned
event will be recognized as "an illegal dancer punishable in
accordance to The New, Improved and Updated Laws of The Carr Mill
Mall". This event, so as not to be overplayed will occur in
only those years that the second Saturday follows the first Friday
in the eighth month of the year.
Come early for a quick
primer on Free From dancing, offered by none other than Carrboro's