OFS? OWS? WTF?
The abandoned derelict building on Franklin Street.
The Occupy Franklin Street movement came to a sudden halt after quick and decisive action was taken by the Chapel Hill SWAT team to clear the 7 squatters out of the abandoned derelict building know as "the abandoned derelict building on Franklin Street." Everyone in Chapel Hill and even neighboring Carrboro know the building as "the abandoned derelict building on Franklin Street." and when you hear the words "the abandoned derelict building on Franklin Street." you know that it is "the abandoned derelict building on Franklin Street."
And therein lies the problem. When police received the report that a building was being occupied by 7 anarchist, the report failed to mention that they were occupying "the abandoned derelict building on Franklin Street." Thinking that the occupation was in the Panang Restaurant down the street the SWAT team decided to take full advantage of this event and try to get some extra training in. The three armored personnel carriers parked in the 411 Parking lot(taking up two parking spaces for each vehicles and costing the Orange County Tax Payers an extra $1 per hour per vehicle) and then proceeded to move westward on Franklin street simulating a block to block search and recovery exercise since they would probably not have a chance to practice this maneuver any time soon.
Each SWAT member had an assault weapon and there were also two bazooka's and a mortar launcher. The mortar launchers were set up and two rounds were fired, but when they saw the mortars sailing off towards Carrboro they were removed from the battle field. Luckily both rounds hit Weaver Street on it's western end where the road was already being repaired after the destruction caused be the Occupy Weaver Street Battle that left the sewer lines in their worst conditions since the Civil War.
The Chapel Hill Swat team during the search and rescue portion of their invasion of Franklin Street. Simultaneously three SWAT members spot Penang and point towards it, failing to realize that they passed the occupied building. Occupy Franklin Street protesters freeze when they see the police and then breath a sigh of relief as they continue right past the building on their way to take back Panang.
After the march up Franklin the 50 heavily armed SWAT members invaded Panang and quickly secured it, noting that the occupation was by about 75 hungry diners who put up absolutely no resistance. Shortly after the SWAT realized their mistake and made a hasty retreat after an apology and an offer to give each person their own assault weapon autographed by the whole team as a token of there appreciation that no massive law suits would occur.
By the time they got back to "the abandoned derelict building on Franklin Street." it was once again "the abandoned derelict building on Franklin Street." Meanwhile the occupiers of "the abandoned derelict building on Franklin Street." were so terrified at the army that had descended upon them(but ended up passing them by) that they turned themselves into the Carrboro Police. The OFS'ers were quickly tried in an impromptu court set up at Weaver Street and presided over by Nathan, a man not unfamiliar with protests since he has weathered a series of them after his short lived "Please Don't Occupy Weaver Street if you're black or a dancer" movement.
The Occupiers were charged with illegally messing up a building and their punishment was to return to the building and sweep up the building and to take down the banners.
All agreed it was a lenient, yet appropriate sentence as they were not targeting the 1%(which would have resulted in a heavy fine and jail time), but instead had their sights on somewhere in the upper levels of the 99%.
"How can we target the 1% in Chapel Hill?", lamented one Anarchist occupier "I think the closest we can get is maybe the 20%, if we're lucky. And they don't even live in our town!
From our archives- Another SWAT team walking down the street...