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Dancing Bruce Mediation Group Ready for
The Last Waltz!

In what appears to be a sudden breakthrough in the Saga of The Dancing Bruce, the Town of Carrboro believes that a "win-win" agreement is just around the corner. At The Carrboro News, we're holding our fingers crossed in hopes that this means that The Bruceway and The Statue of the Dancing Bruce are well on the way to becoming reality, but our common sense tells us otherwise.

Sources close to the source tell us that a cooling off period and a cease fire were agreed upon by all sides of the controversy. For his cooling down period, Nathan expects to head down to sunny Jamaica and spend some time at "Sunsplash", the annual Reggae Dancefest renowned for it's free-form dance frenzies. The hopes are that upon his return, Nathan will realize that a single dancing Weaver Street Market client is far better than a sea of glistening bodies, gyrating to the imaginary reggae music in their heads.

Upon his return, Nathan will meet with Ruffin(they're both just your average guys, so we can call them by their first name. If you are uncomfortable with that, please feel free to replace in your head the words Nathan with Mr. Milian and Ruffin with Mr. Slater- editor), in hopes of coming to a compromise which Dan Coleman, rookie Town Alderman serving in his first year, hopes will result in what he calls a win-win situation.(The Bruceway AND The Statue of The Bruce?).

Meeting with the two to help mediate, which our sources say is an extremely volatile situation, is The Carrboro News' Mohammed Mustafe(This may be a good time for you to meet all our correspondents if you haven't yet!), renowned cook and Palestinian Peace Activist who is well-versed in mediating tense situations. Accompanying Mohammed, will be former President Jimmy Carter, to help with mediation and Officer Bob of The Carrboro Police Department to help keep order. Additionally, Nathan asked to have Hulk Hogan and Sylvester Stallone in his corner, but Ruffin would not agree to their being included. Ruffin, in hopes of rattling Nathan, had requested Ann Coulter in his corner. Nathan, sensing that Ann would be more of detriment to any liberal cause, acquiesced. Unfortunately, Ms. Coulter was forced to decline due to a prior engagement.(Sources say she was the scheduled keynote speaker at Rush Limbaugh's "Just say No to Viagra" rally.)

So folks, it looks like help is on the way and before you know it Bruce will be back dancing in the commons. In recognition of this historic day(and the other tragic day), The Carrboro News will be sponsoring the annual Bruce Thomas Freestyle Dance Festival on the Weaver Street Commons. We are hoping to get the event sanctioned as an official Weaver Street Event as any agreement allowing the return of Bruce will apply to Bruce and only Bruce and anyone else dancing at a non-sanctioned event will be recognized as "an illegal dancer punishable in accordance to The New, Improved and Updated Laws of The Carr Mill Mall". This event, so as not to be overplayed will occur in only those years that the second Saturday follows the first Friday in the eighth month of the year.

Come early for a quick primer on Free From dancing, offered by none other than Carrboro's Bruce Thomas.

SAVE $$$

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