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Tools
Explained
DRILL PRESS: A
tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where
nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans
paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprintsand hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, 'Oh sh -- '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable
cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to
round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An
electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of
a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally
used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large
stationary power tool commonly used to launch woodprojectiles
for testing wall integrity (OR SLICING OFF FINGERS).
HYDRAULIC FLOOR
JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly
under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large
stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily
fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead
of the outside
edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE
HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering
your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool
used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A
tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally
employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent
the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.
DAMN-IT TOOL: Any
handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the
next tool that you will need.
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