be a Republican today you need to believe:
1. Jesus loves
you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and
2. Saddam was a
good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when
Bush's Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business
with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't
find Bin Laden"
3. Trade with Cuba
is wrong because the country is Communist, but
trade with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international
4. The United States
should get out of the United Nations, and
our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions
5. A woman can't
be trusted with decisions about her own body,
but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting
mankind without regulation.
6. The best way
to improve military morale is to praise the
troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and
7. If condoms are
kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8. A good way to
fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime
allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health
care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but
providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's
insurance companies have the best interests of the public
10. Global warming
and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
11. A president
lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support
war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring
13. The public
has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades,
but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
14. Being a drug
addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless
you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and
our prayers for your recovery.
"Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever
born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity).
16. What Bill Clinton
did in the 1960's is of vital national
interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.
17. Support for
hunters who shoot their friends and blame them
for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
If you don't send
this to at least 10 other people, we're likely to
be stuck with more Republicans '08.
Friends don't let
friends vote Republican.
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