to The Red States..
Dear Red States:
If you manage
to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving. We
intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other
Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes
California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin,
Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this
split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to
the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem
cell research and the best beaches.
We get the Statue
of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and
Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard.
You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85% of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds
of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war. We are going to want all our citizens back from
Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.
They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their
deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show
pictures of their children's caskets coming home.
We do wish you
success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're
not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue
States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's
fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92%
of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines,
90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the
corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur
coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy
and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States,
on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese
Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of
all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of
the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100%
of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,
Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood
and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually
swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're
discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say
that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy people believe you have higher
moral standards then we lefties.
Back to Mason's index....