To the Guy Who
Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )
Reply to: email@example.com
Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST
I was the white
guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand
over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlf
riend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect
you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took
my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason
that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my
girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol
for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster
for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating
weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably
wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd
come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants.
I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving
your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have
you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to
mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or
"Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and
explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some
gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless
guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's , along with all of the cash
in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch
of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill
in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut
down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over
a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope
they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about
to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with
it. Oh well.
So, about your
pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did
this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it
up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd
like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent
you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it
liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing
you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm
hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life.
Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message,
email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!
- Ale x
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